the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
i think i just lost a toe
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
