Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
