i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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