his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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