i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
