david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
