I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Randomize
