Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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