i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
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I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
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I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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