Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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