I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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