i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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