i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
