you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
