Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
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Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
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I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.