The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
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He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
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I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.