Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.