it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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