Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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