There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
