My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I wish you could order shots online.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I love having hate sex.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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