Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
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