I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Will you blow on my dice?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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