More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
