She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
