Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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