Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
