I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
