plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
