"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
