I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
