I cannot find my penis.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
