tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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