I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
