I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
