found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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