Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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