dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
