i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
