Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
