okay pat passed out under dana's car
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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