three words: i give head
three words: not that well
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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