did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
