sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
