I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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