mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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