Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
