is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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