good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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