I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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