my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
