he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We're using joints as your birthday candles
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
