and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
