In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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