Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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