and she was petting her beer can
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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