I wish I could teleport
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
